2019…..

My my my… here we are at the very end of a very, very difficult year. I would have never thought I would end up where I am today if I didn’t take any chances. This year was very full of love, laughter, happiness, successes, courage, all of the good things. But to me, getting to that point was very challenging. To feel the laughter, I had to cry. To be happy, I needed to feel a sense of loneliness and sorrow. Just to feel any type of courage, I had to feel anxious and scared. Sometimes all the horrible emotions came all at once and I wouldn’t know what to do. I openly admit there were some moments where I wanted to just throw in the towel. I didn’t really know what I was doing; I didn’t know where to go. It was that sense of hopelessness and sadness that made me question who I really was and what I really wanted to do. What I didn’t know is that deep down inside, I did know who I was and surprisingly, I did know what to do. I just had to… figure it out and trust the process.

I walked into 2019 trying to find my way. Finding my way in my career, as a newfound ‘adult’, as a girlfriend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a best friend, so on and so forth. I kept trying to find answers to each why or how. And when I didn’t have those answers, I would feel disappointed because I really didn’t know how to solve it. So… I swept it under the rug.

Until came the day where I had to face reality. I was officially stuck and I hated it. Most of all, I started to hate myself. I was gaining weight. I was constantly trying to find ways to make myself happy by spending money or going out of town, or I was just sleeping all day and going through the motions. I knew it from then on, if I let this go on, I would be going down a hole that was going to be hard to dig out of.

I started to ask myself, what did I need to do? I knew I didn’t like going through the motions of my everyday work life, so I went and found a new job. Soon after, I started my new journey. I missed my old work family dearly, but this was something I needed to do. My new journey was going great. Until… well… let’s just say there are certain people in the professional world that know how to ruin your dreams and make you feel like utter crap when you know you did absolutely nothing wrong. Feeling beat down and scarred, I left my new journey and had a time of self-reflection.

This time was the hardest. I found myself trying to rethink of how I ended up here. I started to question if I made the right decision of leaving a job I was so used to. Was it right for me to quit so soon? How will I pay this and that? Will I ever find another job? Will I ever find a career? Will anything ever make me feel whole again?! All these questions were running through my head and I was scared. I wanted so badly to succeed and not seem like failure. I was running an unknown race in my head…. but who the fuck was I going against?!

After I asked that one question, it was like a light bulb just clicked. I was racing no one, but myself. I was living my expectation because I was projecting my thoughts on how everyone else was living and not looking at the big picture. I found my answer; in 2019, I started to live other people’s expectations. On top of that, I became the girl who everyone ran to when they had a problem or needed a listening ear to solve emotional baggage while I had to carry mine completely unsolved. It was easy when it came to giving out the advice, but I never really took that advice towards my own life. In short, my answer was, I was my own problem and own solution.

After all of that, I embraced being on a ‘break’. I enjoyed the time with my family, my friends, my boyfriend, the outdoors, the indoors, solitude! I took it all in one day at a time and I embraced it and took it as a moment that might not happen again. I just for once stopped asking all the questions and I just… lived. I realized, if something comes along, it will. If it didn’t, then keep going.

Soon after a few months of living, my best friend told me about an opportunity. I had no idea what to think of it, but you bet your girl took it. It was and still is a very big transition and I am taking it one day at a time. Some days are harder than others. But I can happily say, I enjoy what I’m doing and I am learning more about my new path and myself, daily. Also, the people I’m working with are pretty awesome.

As much as 2019 was a bitch, I couldn’t have been more grateful to it. I learned so much about myself and I found a new sense of strength within myself that I never knew I had. So 2019, I salute you. You were a tough cookie! I now know, I never lost myself. I’m still a Queen! I’ve been here all along. Standing courageously tall. Emotional, but still courageous.

Hold on tight 2020… Next stop, happiness!

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