An open letter for her struggle

To our Precious Angel,

It’s hard for me to write this and imagine how lonely and sad you felt before you took your own life. My heart hurt so much receiving the news. At first, I didn’t believe it; maybe I didn’t want to believe it. After a number of phone calls, the most important one came through. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I didn’t know what to say or do. I talked to your mom and all that could come out was sorry. Sorry I let her down. Sorry I let you down. Sorry I wasn’t there. Your mom reassured me and told me that you were happy now. I didn’t want to believe that, you weren’t happy where you were at. I just knew it in my heart you weren’t, or maybe I just wanted to psych myself out and think you weren’t so it didn’t hurt this much.

It was such a weird feeling right after hearing the news. My day went on; I just lived even though I knew you weren’t around. Some days went on and I would laugh and feel a bit happy. Then that horrible feeling of guilt would rush over me. How could I be happy when you’re not here?

Everyone that loved you kept checking up on each other. We shared memories, thoughts, and prayers with each other. We all said the same thing, how we were all in shock or why didn’t we know or see the signs. I didn’t feel alone; I wasn’t the only one who felt numb to all of this. But no matter how many people came to check up on me and ask me how I’m doing, I still felt the loneliness knowing I won’t be able to see you anymore.

I’m not mad, I’m not sad, I’m not happy either. I feel betrayed. How dare you fucking do this to me, to us?! How dare you………. You could have called! You could have come over and talked to me! You could have said something, anything!!!! How could you leave me here without you?! It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you’re not here anymore. How am I supposed to be happy knowing you’re not around and I didn’t do enough to fucking help you? How can I go on knowing you felt lonely and sad all this time?! I honestly don’t know why I keep asking these questions…. it won’t bring you back. It never will.

I read something about the stages of grieving. They added a new one; it’s the very last stage. Meaning. There needs to be a meaning for all of this. There has to be meaning to how I feel, what I’m feeling, where my feelings will take me. There has to be some meaning for all these emotions. I don’t know if I went through all the stages yet, but I don’t want the last one to be “meaning”. I don’t know what this all means. I honestly feel like I never will. I wish I could have done more for you, for your family. I wish we could have made more memories, shared another conversation, laughed, cried, anything just so I know you’re still down the street from my house.

All I could say now is sorry. I am sorry I was never there. I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough. I’m sorry I didn’t say the right things. I’m just… sorry. For some odd reason, even if I tried to stop you this time, it wouldn’t matter. You were so independent that no matter what anyone would say, you would do things on your own terms.

I miss you so much. I miss you on days when I feel like eating brownies. I miss you on days when it’s hot, because you hate it when it’s hot and we would just stay indoors. I miss it when we would just sit down and eat my mom’s barbecue or her spaghetti because we had a no judgement zone while eating. I miss you on days when I want to tell silly jokes. I miss you on days I feel like having a phone conversation. I miss you on days when I would wear pink to our outings because you absolutely HATED it when I wore pink. I miss you on days when I would crave Panda Express because you love you some Panda girl! I miss you because you were you. You were loving, caring, sensitive, beautiful, smart, funny, and so much more.

We grew up together, we were supposed to grow old together too… but I guess now I’ll be walking this road alone. Please watch after me wherever you may be. I love you forever and always. Until we meet again.

xo,

Chrissay

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