Category: Beautiful imperfection

Let’s start over…

It’s late November and here I am sitting in front of my computer. It is so cold my hands hurt and I’m contemplating turning on my heater. Knowing Las Vegas, that would be a horrible idea, since locals know that the weather here has a mind of its own. It’s been a while since I have written in this blog and a lot has happened. I would like to say a lot of happy things have happened and some upsetting.

I have been teetering between a lot of places emotionally and also physically. At times I feel like I belong in one place, then I realize I am where I belong. But then I think to myself “maybe…just maybe I’m selling myself short”. In the world that we are living in, feelings are temporary, emotions are high, and searching for the unknown and starting over has now become a new thing.

But let’s talk about searching for the unknown for a second. How do we really know that what we are searching for is the right thing to do or the right move for us? Truth is, we really don’t know. The funny thing is, is when we start searching for the unknown or searching for something that we think is right, we find ourselves starting over again. And this is where the trouble can start; when this whole topic of starting over again comes up in any type of setting you come up with a few different answers. Most of the time the answers are often negative as the people around us see that starting over is a sign of failure. Where we…I am at or rather my current situation didn’t work out because it failed.

Is it really failure though? Am I really failing myself for starting over again? Or am I giving myself another chance to find myself again. I have given a lot of people, employers, random strangers, a whole lot of chances. Sometime even one to many times, but I value myself and my mental currency so much more than feeling miserable in a situation that can hurt me.

I am a firm believer that the grass is greener where you decide to water it, but as many times as I water it, the grass is still dry. I’m left with me feeling empty, alone, sad, and much more because I am putting myself through stupid situations that I know will never change. My sparkle has been lost for a very very long time. I lost my passion in all that I did because of the negative thought that starting over is a form of failure.

I wouldn’t think that someone starting over again is a bad thing. It’s a great thing! Starting over can mean you have outgrown something, or you found something a lot better because, and when it comes down to it, mentally it’s what is best for you. I would like to normalize that starting over is not a bad thing to do. A person who decides to start over again is trying to find a different view on life.

So, start over as many times as you want, but don’t stay in one place that makes you feel like you are worth less than you really are. To me all of you and everyone around me is so much more and you all deserve so much more than feeling unhappy. If that means you have to start again from go, then so be it. Just don’t stop searching for a new adventure, a new learning opportunity, or a new life. Keep going until you fall in love with where your beginning is going.

Until next time happy friends…

Always be kind to others, but most of all be kinder to yourself… Toodles~!

Unforgivingly Yours, 2020

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I’m a 100% believer that 2020 is a year of growth. Whether it is you growing into who you want to be or you growing with the lessons life throws at you. You are growing and you really do need to give yourself credit for that. My 2020 sure has been unforgiving; having gone through so many emotions, I often question myself how I’m still standing. It still mind boggles me that we are already half way through the year. But if there was one thing 2020 has taught me, it is that time is one hell of a bitch and something you should never fuck with. Continue reading →

An open letter for her struggle

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To our Precious Angel,

It’s hard for me to write this and imagine how lonely and sad you felt before you took your own life. My heart hurt so much receiving the news. At first, I didn’t believe it; maybe I didn’t want to believe it. After a number of phone calls, the most important one came through. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I didn’t know what to say or do. I talked to your mom and all that could come out was sorry. Sorry I let her down. Sorry I let you down. Sorry I wasn’t there. Your mom reassured me and told me that you were happy now. I didn’t want to believe that, you weren’t happy where you were at. I just knew it in my heart you weren’t, or maybe I just wanted to psych myself out and think you weren’t so it didn’t hurt this much.

It was such a weird feeling right after hearing the news. My day went on; I just lived even though I knew you weren’t around. Some days went on and I would laugh and feel a bit happy. Then that horrible feeling of guilt would rush over me. How could I be happy when you’re not here?

Everyone that loved you kept checking up on each other. We shared memories, thoughts, and prayers with each other. We all said the same thing, how we were all in shock or why didn’t we know or see the signs. I didn’t feel alone; I wasn’t the only one who felt numb to all of this. But no matter how many people came to check up on me and ask me how I’m doing, I still felt the loneliness knowing I won’t be able to see you anymore.

I’m not mad, I’m not sad, I’m not happy either. I feel betrayed. How dare you fucking do this to me, to us?! How dare you………. You could have called! You could have come over and talked to me! You could have said something, anything!!!! How could you leave me here without you?! It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you’re not here anymore. How am I supposed to be happy knowing you’re not around and I didn’t do enough to fucking help you? How can I go on knowing you felt lonely and sad all this time?! I honestly don’t know why I keep asking these questions…. it won’t bring you back. It never will.

I read something about the stages of grieving. They added a new one; it’s the very last stage. Meaning. There needs to be a meaning for all of this. There has to be meaning to how I feel, what I’m feeling, where my feelings will take me. There has to be some meaning for all these emotions. I don’t know if I went through all the stages yet, but I don’t want the last one to be “meaning”. I don’t know what this all means. I honestly feel like I never will. I wish I could have done more for you, for your family. I wish we could have made more memories, shared another conversation, laughed, cried, anything just so I know you’re still down the street from my house.

All I could say now is sorry. I am sorry I was never there. I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough. I’m sorry I didn’t say the right things. I’m just… sorry. For some odd reason, even if I tried to stop you this time, it wouldn’t matter. You were so independent that no matter what anyone would say, you would do things on your own terms.

I miss you so much. I miss you on days when I feel like eating brownies. I miss you on days when it’s hot, because you hate it when it’s hot and we would just stay indoors. I miss it when we would just sit down and eat my mom’s barbecue or her spaghetti because we had a no judgement zone while eating. I miss you on days when I want to tell silly jokes. I miss you on days I feel like having a phone conversation. I miss you on days when I would wear pink to our outings because you absolutely HATED it when I wore pink. I miss you on days when I would crave Panda Express because you love you some Panda girl! I miss you because you were you. You were loving, caring, sensitive, beautiful, smart, funny, and so much more.

We grew up together, we were supposed to grow old together too… but I guess now I’ll be walking this road alone. Please watch after me wherever you may be. I love you forever and always. Until we meet again.

xo,

Chrissay

Trust me…I’m an introvert

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For someone who has a personality, I consider myself very introverted. If you know me personally, I do like going out, but that’s once in a blue moon. When I do paint the town red, it takes me a week or even two to recover.

I love staying home! I know how to keep busy and I know how to keep myself distracted. Yes, there are days when I want to go out and I do. But I never had a hard time just staying put in one space.

I found that doing things alone in a house full of people is actually very easy. It’s not that I have a schedule, but I just know how to keep my mind preoccupied without being on the internet or playing video games or watching movies.

Although these activities are really fun, you can only do that so many times without feeling a bit monotonous. Through times like this, everyone is feeling anxious, stressed out, and well… let’s be real… y’all are bored! Am I right or am I right? Yes, in all reality, this sucks. But if we don’t practice social distancing, we won’t be able to flatten the curve and mother earth won’t be able to heal itself. So stay indoors and only go out if you super-duper need to! So instead of reading false news and listening to some people’s negative vibes or playing the same video games or watching the same tv shows and movies, here are five other ways to keep your mind busy in doors. Continue reading →

2019…..

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My my my… here we are at the very end of a very, very difficult year. I would have never thought I would end up where I am today if I didn’t take any chances. This year was very full of love, laughter, happiness, successes, courage, all of the good things. But to me, getting to that point was very challenging. To feel the laughter, I had to cry. To be happy, I needed to feel a sense of loneliness and sorrow. Just to feel any type of courage, I had to feel anxious and scared. Sometimes all the horrible emotions came all at once and I wouldn’t know what to do. I openly admit there were some moments where I wanted to just throw in the towel. I didn’t really know what I was doing; I didn’t know where to go. It was that sense of hopelessness and sadness that made me question who I really was and what I really wanted to do. What I didn’t know is that deep down inside, I did know who I was and surprisingly, I did know what to do. I just had to… figure it out and trust the process.

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A simple wish…

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Happy Sunday to you all friends! Hope everyone is having a great end of their week, or for some, start of their week. Either way I hope you’re all clapping your hands in happiness.

This past week…err rather, few months have been very, if there is a better word to put with it, difficult. I took a break from writing to do a bit of reflection from what life has been giving me. You know the saying, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” But what happens when life gives you an abundance of lemons and you’re sick of lemonade?

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