An open letter for her struggle

To our Precious Angel,

It’s hard for me to write this and imagine how lonely and sad you felt before you took your own life. My heart hurt so much receiving the news. At first, I didn’t believe it; maybe I didn’t want to believe it. After a number of phone calls, the most important one came through. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I didn’t know what to say or do. I talked to your mom and all that could come out was sorry. Sorry I let her down. Sorry I let you down. Sorry I wasn’t there. Your mom reassured me and told me that you were happy now. I didn’t want to believe that, you weren’t happy where you were at. I just knew it in my heart you weren’t, or maybe I just wanted to psych myself out and think you weren’t so it didn’t hurt this much.

It was such a weird feeling right after hearing the news. My day went on; I just lived even though I knew you weren’t around. Some days went on and I would laugh and feel a bit happy. Then that horrible feeling of guilt would rush over me. How could I be happy when you’re not here?

Everyone that loved you kept checking up on each other. We shared memories, thoughts, and prayers with each other. We all said the same thing, how we were all in shock or why didn’t we know or see the signs. I didn’t feel alone; I wasn’t the only one who felt numb to all of this. But no matter how many people came to check up on me and ask me how I’m doing, I still felt the loneliness knowing I won’t be able to see you anymore.

I’m not mad, I’m not sad, I’m not happy either. I feel betrayed. How dare you fucking do this to me, to us?! How dare you………. You could have called! You could have come over and talked to me! You could have said something, anything!!!! How could you leave me here without you?! It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you’re not here anymore. How am I supposed to be happy knowing you’re not around and I didn’t do enough to fucking help you? How can I go on knowing you felt lonely and sad all this time?! I honestly don’t know why I keep asking these questions…. it won’t bring you back. It never will.

I read something about the stages of grieving. They added a new one; it’s the very last stage. Meaning. There needs to be a meaning for all of this. There has to be meaning to how I feel, what I’m feeling, where my feelings will take me. There has to be some meaning for all these emotions. I don’t know if I went through all the stages yet, but I don’t want the last one to be “meaning”. I don’t know what this all means. I honestly feel like I never will. I wish I could have done more for you, for your family. I wish we could have made more memories, shared another conversation, laughed, cried, anything just so I know you’re still down the street from my house.

All I could say now is sorry. I am sorry I was never there. I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough. I’m sorry I didn’t say the right things. I’m just… sorry. For some odd reason, even if I tried to stop you this time, it wouldn’t matter. You were so independent that no matter what anyone would say, you would do things on your own terms.

I miss you so much. I miss you on days when I feel like eating brownies. I miss you on days when it’s hot, because you hate it when it’s hot and we would just stay indoors. I miss it when we would just sit down and eat my mom’s barbecue or her spaghetti because we had a no judgement zone while eating. I miss you on days when I want to tell silly jokes. I miss you on days I feel like having a phone conversation. I miss you on days when I would wear pink to our outings because you absolutely HATED it when I wore pink. I miss you on days when I would crave Panda Express because you love you some Panda girl! I miss you because you were you. You were loving, caring, sensitive, beautiful, smart, funny, and so much more.

We grew up together, we were supposed to grow old together too… but I guess now I’ll be walking this road alone. Please watch after me wherever you may be. I love you forever and always. Until we meet again.

xo,

Chrissay

Trust me…I’m an introvert

For someone who has a personality, I consider myself very introverted. If you know me personally, I do like going out, but that’s once in a blue moon. When I do paint the town red, it takes me a week or even two to recover.

I love staying home! I know how to keep busy and I know how to keep myself distracted. Yes, there are days when I want to go out and I do. But I never had a hard time just staying put in one space.

I found that doing things alone in a house full of people is actually very easy. It’s not that I have a schedule, but I just know how to keep my mind preoccupied without being on the internet or playing video games or watching movies.

Although these activities are really fun, you can only do that so many times without feeling a bit monotonous. Through times like this, everyone is feeling anxious, stressed out, and well… let’s be real… y’all are bored! Am I right or am I right? Yes, in all reality, this sucks. But if we don’t practice social distancing, we won’t be able to flatten the curve and mother earth won’t be able to heal itself. So stay indoors and only go out if you super-duper need to! So instead of reading false news and listening to some people’s negative vibes or playing the same video games or watching the same tv shows and movies, here are five other ways to keep your mind busy in doors. Continue reading

2019…..

My my my… here we are at the very end of a very, very difficult year. I would have never thought I would end up where I am today if I didn’t take any chances. This year was very full of love, laughter, happiness, successes, courage, all of the good things. But to me, getting to that point was very challenging. To feel the laughter, I had to cry. To be happy, I needed to feel a sense of loneliness and sorrow. Just to feel any type of courage, I had to feel anxious and scared. Sometimes all the horrible emotions came all at once and I wouldn’t know what to do. I openly admit there were some moments where I wanted to just throw in the towel. I didn’t really know what I was doing; I didn’t know where to go. It was that sense of hopelessness and sadness that made me question who I really was and what I really wanted to do. What I didn’t know is that deep down inside, I did know who I was and surprisingly, I did know what to do. I just had to… figure it out and trust the process.

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Disney California Adventure Festival of Holidays!

As all of you know, I have a very healthy obsession with all things Disney. From their theme parks to their fashion and down right to their memorabilia, I LOVE IT ALL! Throughout the year, I try to make it out to Disneyland and Disney’s California Adventure every month. Yes, I have an annual pass. I admit that I love all the festivals Disney offers. But my all-time favorite has to be Festival of Holidays!

From the way the park sparkles, to Mickey and Minnie having their cute winter holiday themed outfits, and the festive decorations, Festival of Holidays is the kickoff celebration to the Winter Season. Continue reading

HAPPY PLACE LAS VEGAS

Happy Place Las Vegas Edition I am very pleased to say that we had the opportunity to go to Happy Place Las Vegas. This particular pop -up has a sentimental value as this was one of the first pop-up museums I reviewed on this platform. When I found out we were going to be having our own pop-up here in my city, I was so excited. Although the first time going to Happy Place was fun, this one was even more exciting as I brought a few of my favorite people.

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FUNBOX LA

I am back with a very, very honest post on a pop-up museum called FunBox. It wasn’t fun at all; to be honest this place was horrible. From start to finish, it was just an utter flop. On one of our recent trips, we found FunBox via Instagram ads. My older sister was with me on this trip as well and this was her first visit to a pop-up museum. At the end of it, I was so utterly embarrassed that I showed her this pop-up. Continue reading